America’s least competent Answer Man answers your questions

            Q: How do James Carville and Mary Matalin stay married?

            A: Fear. Mutual and incapacitating.

            Q: If you had a choice between inviting Bill O’Reilly or Jon Stewart to dinner, which would you select?

            A: I’d go to Burger King. Or maybe Wendy’s. They have a salad with avocados.

            Q: I read somewhere that the New York Giants have no mascot. Why is this?

            A: Some of their players approach 400 lbs. How many giants do you need?

            Q: What’s the worst thing a political candidate can do in a debate?

            A: Break into a moonwalk.

            Q: Have you seen the new Clint Eastwood picture Trouble with the Curve?

            A: Yes. Mr. Eastwood’s character in Gran Torino was a more plausible old-Clint, although my hat’s off to any actor in his 80s who can carry a picture. Some of the close-ups are brutal but Clint didn’t beg off.

            Q: What’s the answer to America’s budget crisis?

            A: Numbers in the billions and trillions are incomprehensible to the layman. That calculator that shows the ever-increasing national debt? Get rid of it; it’s irritating.

            Q: Why do credible actors do commercials or voice-overs? Robert Vaughn. Donald Sutherland. Tommy Lee Jones. What can they be thinking?

            A: They are thinking as follows: ‘Proper roles for someone of my stature are scarce. I’ll accept this commercial and make a great deal of money.’ Incidentally, Eleanor Roosevelt in 1960 made a television commercial for Bluebonnet Margarine with fees donated to a particularly worthy charity.

            Q: I dislike political attack ads. Why does no one challenge the assumption that going negative works?

            A: Such a challenge would be akin in stature to Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier in baseball: difficult; not impossible.

            Q: I’ve read some of your Answer Man observations all of which bring to mind a single question: Are you out of your !!@§ mind?

            A: Thank you for your inquiry. Let me answer your question this way: !!@§!

            Q: Is it true that your Answer Man credentials have been revoked?

            A: No, it is not true. My credentials were briefly suspended in a dispute involving a turtle which has now been resolved. I had nothing to do with it.