Most columns offer good advice. My column is unique in that it offers bad advice. So let’s go directly to the Q & A:
Q: Please give me your advice. How can I stop smoking?
A: Take up Latin dances. Rumba, samba, cha-cha. It’s almost impossible to smoke in a conga line.
Q: That’s absurd. Why would anyone do that?
A: They probably wouldn’t. That’s why it’s bad advice.
Q. Next question: What’s the best way to get rid of unwanted houseguests?
A: I differ from conventional wisdom in that I don’t use poisonous snakes. A better solution: exploding bars of soap. BOOM-A-CLEASE is good, or any detonating soap product.
Q: That’s the worst advice I’ve ever heard.
A: Thank you.
Q: Try this one: How can I stop beating my wife?
A: Wife beating is definitely wrong. As a substitute try wife polishing. WIFE-SHEEN is a spray-on product. Apply with a soft cloth and you’ll bring her to a high gloss in 10-12 minutes. BUFF-A-SPOUSE is also good.
Q: I’m curious – Does anyone ever take your advice?
A: Not that I know of.
Q: An anxious parent writes: Our 14-year-old son is turning to lawlessness – stealing hubcaps, robbing vending machines, extorting lunch money. How can we keep him from becoming a petty criminal?
A: Why be petty? The Mafia publishes a booklet: Career Opportunities in Organized Crime. A must-read for anyone considering crime as a career option.
Q: Next question: I need a vacation that’s totally stress-free. Any suggestions?
A: Adventure, that’s the ticket. Become a cab driver in Naples, Italy. Learn to drive-by-horn, dodge scooters, flee Mafiosi. And as part of the cultural exchange, a Neapolitan cabbie comes to America and drives your car for two weeks.
Q: That’s supposed to be relaxing?
Q: Here’s an oft-heard question: I’m afraid to go to the dentist. I can’t stand pain.
A: Explain to the dentist that if you experience any pain, you will bite him. Give the dentist a crazed, wide-eyed look, then relax and enjoy a pain-free dental experience.
Q: A woman writes: I want to offer a memorable surprise when the dinner group comes to our house. I know you’re not a chef but I thought you might make a suggestion.
A: Who needs a chef? Drama is the key – perhaps something in a flaming dessert! First you light it up – KAWUMP – then have your husband enter in a fireman suit and douse it. Your dinner group will cheer and with any luck no one gets hurt.
Q: Have you ever considered giving good advice?
A: I tried it once. Couldn’t get the hang of it. With bad advice, expectations are lower.