Most
columns offer good advice. My column is unique in that it offers bad advice. So
let’s go directly to the Q & A:
Q:
Please give me your advice. How can I stop smoking?
A:
Take up Latin dances. Rumba, samba, cha-cha. It’s almost impossible to smoke in
a conga line.
Q:
That’s absurd. Why would anyone do that?
A:
They probably wouldn’t. That’s why it’s bad advice.
Q.
Next question: What’s the best way to get rid of unwanted houseguests?
A:
I differ from conventional wisdom in that I don’t use poisonous snakes. A
better solution: exploding bars of soap. BOOM-A-CLEASE is good, or any
detonating soap product.
Q:
That’s the worst advice I’ve ever heard.
A:
Thank you.
Q:
Try this one: How can I stop beating my wife?
A:
Wife beating is definitely wrong. As a substitute try wife polishing.
WIFE-SHEEN is a spray-on product. Apply with a soft cloth and you’ll bring her
to a high gloss in 10-12 minutes. BUFF-A-SPOUSE is also good.
Q:
I’m curious – Does anyone ever take your advice?
A:
Not that I know of.
Q: An anxious parent writes: Our
14-year-old son is turning to lawlessness – stealing hubcaps, robbing vending
machines, extorting lunch money. How can we keep him from becoming a petty
criminal?
A:
Why be petty? The Mafia publishes a booklet: Career Opportunities in Organized Crime. A must-read for anyone
considering crime as a career option.
Q:
Next question: I need a vacation that’s totally stress-free. Any suggestions?
A:
Adventure, that’s the ticket. Become a cab driver in Naples, Italy. Learn to
drive-by-horn, dodge scooters, flee Mafiosi. And as part of the cultural
exchange, a Neapolitan cabbie comes to America and drives your car for two
weeks.
Q:
That’s supposed to be relaxing?
A:
No.
Q:
Here’s an oft-heard question: I’m afraid to go to the dentist. I can’t stand
pain.
A:
Explain to the dentist that if you experience any pain, you will bite him. Give
the dentist a crazed, wide-eyed look, then relax and enjoy a pain-free dental
experience.
Q:
A woman writes: I want to offer a memorable surprise when the dinner group
comes to our house. I know you’re not a chef but I thought you might make a
suggestion.
A:
Who needs a chef? Drama is the key – perhaps something in a flaming dessert!
First you light it up – KAWUMP – then have your husband enter in a fireman suit
and douse it. Your dinner group will cheer and with any luck no one gets hurt.
Q:
Have you ever considered giving good advice?
A:
I tried it once. Couldn’t get the hang of it. With bad advice, expectations are
lower.
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