Thursday, April 25, 2013

What if someone went on Wheel of Fortune while slightly inebriated? A fantasy

            Early in the show is the contestant chat wherein Pat Sajak ritually belittles each participant using his smug grin to subtly mock the goings-on. I was in no mood for it.
            PAT: Alan, your life sounds like a total cliché. But I’m betting you have some kind of interesting hobby.
            ALAN: No, nothing like that. I’m here for the money. Now if that young lady could bring me a martini….
            PAT: That’s Vanna White and she is not a cocktail waitress.
            ALAN: Oh. I’m sorry. I guess it was the slutty outfit. By the way, I’ll skip the half-car and the trip to the Turks and Caicos. Just cash! (spinning the wheel) Uh oh, my hand slipped.
            PAT: $300.
            ALAN: Can I spin again? (Vanna shakes her head no). Aw shut up Vanna. Gimme an X. Naw, just kidding. Gimme a T.
            PAT: Sorry, we have to go with your first response and there are no X’s. But I think we’ve discovered your hobby (makes tippling gesture). OK Madeline, our dairy farmer from Wisconsin, it’s your turn to spin (wheel stops on $900).
            MADELINE: May I have a T please.
            ALAN: She heard me call a T. That’s not fair.
            PAT: There are three T’s. Madeline that’s $2700. Not bad.
            ALAN: Can I spin now?
            PAT: Not your turn, you incredible oaf. Go ahead Ralph, our fireman from Santa Fe, New Mexico (wheel stops on the million dollar space).
            ALAN: Lissen Ralph, I hope you win the million. Pat doesn’t like me so I don’t have a chance. Let’s all go for drinks later.
            RALPH: (to Alan) Why don’t you put a sock in it? You’re gassed.
            ALAN: Oh yeah? Prove it! (Ralph grabs Alan and tosses him onto the wheel. Pat spins the wheel and Alan goes round and round to the audience’s delight.) Hey Pat, look – I’m on the half-car space. I’ll take half a Mercedes.
            PAT: Forget it Alan. It’s all over.
            ALAN: I’ll take the thousand-dollar consolation.
            PAT: No you won’t.
            ALAN: OK, OK, I’ll take the Turks and Caicos… Turks and Caicos… Turks and Caicos… (Alan awakens and finds himself at home in his easy chair, sweating copiously.) It was all a dream! Pat and Vanna! The wheel! Actually I’ve never liked spinning. I couldn’t even sit through Vertigo despite the reassuring presence of Jimmy Stewart. So anyway, that’s how a stupid game show taught me to stop drinking.

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