Early
in the show is the contestant chat wherein Pat Sajak ritually belittles each
participant using his smug grin to subtly mock the goings-on. I was in no mood
for it.
PAT:
Alan, your life sounds like a total cliché. But I’m betting you have some kind
of interesting hobby.
ALAN:
No, nothing like that. I’m here for the money. Now if that young lady could
bring me a martini….
PAT:
That’s Vanna White and she is not a cocktail waitress.
ALAN:
Oh. I’m sorry. I guess it was the slutty outfit. By the way, I’ll skip the
half-car and the trip to the Turks and Caicos. Just cash! (spinning the wheel)
Uh oh, my hand slipped.
PAT:
$300.
ALAN:
Can I spin again? (Vanna shakes her head no). Aw shut up Vanna. Gimme an X.
Naw, just kidding. Gimme a T.
PAT:
Sorry, we have to go with your first response and there are no X’s. But I think
we’ve discovered your hobby (makes tippling gesture). OK Madeline, our dairy
farmer from Wisconsin, it’s your turn to spin (wheel stops on $900).
MADELINE:
May I have a T please.
ALAN:
She heard me call a T. That’s not fair.
PAT:
There are three T’s. Madeline that’s $2700. Not bad.
ALAN:
Can I spin now?
PAT:
Not your turn, you incredible oaf. Go ahead Ralph, our fireman from Santa Fe,
New Mexico (wheel stops on the million dollar space).
ALAN:
Lissen Ralph, I hope you win the million. Pat doesn’t like me so I don’t have a
chance. Let’s all go for drinks later.
RALPH:
(to Alan) Why don’t you put a sock in it? You’re gassed.
ALAN:
Oh yeah? Prove it! (Ralph grabs Alan and tosses him onto the wheel. Pat spins
the wheel and Alan goes round and round to the audience’s delight.) Hey Pat,
look – I’m on the half-car space. I’ll take half a Mercedes.
PAT:
Forget it Alan. It’s all over.
ALAN:
I’ll take the thousand-dollar consolation.
PAT:
No you won’t.
ALAN:
OK, OK, I’ll take the Turks and Caicos… Turks and Caicos… Turks and Caicos…
(Alan awakens and finds himself at home in his easy chair, sweating copiously.)
It was all a dream! Pat and Vanna! The wheel! Actually I’ve never liked
spinning. I couldn’t even sit through Vertigo despite the reassuring presence
of Jimmy Stewart. So anyway, that’s how a stupid game show taught me to stop
drinking.
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