How To Deal Sensitively With Women

It’s a matter of giving dismissive, smartaleck responses to their concerns. Women appreciate caustic wit above all else. Just try this sampler of male retorts:
Her Concern: It was a formal dinner and you ate like a pig.
Retort: I have never been a slave to etiquette.
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Her Concern: How dare you insult my friends!
Retort: Everybody needs a hobby.
••••
Her Concern: You’d rather watch sports than spend time with me!
Retort: Yeah, but you’re a really strong second.
••••
Her Concern: We’re going to counseling!
Retort: Ah, then you’ve met my bartender.
••••
Her Concern: The movies you like are too violent.
Retort: Actually I have an idea for a chick flick. Ladies share their feelings for 90 minutes then everything explodes and Bruce Willis rescues them.
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Her Concern: You are not playing golf; we’re going to the gallery opening.
Retort: (having seen an inclement weather forecast) As you wish my dear.
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Her Concern: You are driving recklessly.
Retort: I prefer to think of it as driving wrecklessly.
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Her Concern: Are you crazy?
Retort: No, I don’t think so. Oh look, there goes Woodrow Wilson.
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Her Concern: Do you ever stop to think what’s the meaning of life?
Retort: I have a theory but I’m keeping it to myself in case it’s wrong.
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Her Concern: You can just wipe that smirk off your face, Mr. Smartypants.
Retort: Grover P. Smartypants at your service.
••••
These retorts are not half as clever as they seem. But if your goal is to return tedium to the relationship, just go around saying, “Have a nice day!” The thing is, being a smartaleck actually does contribute to a nice day. At least it always does for me.
[For more of the same, visit Alan’s blog, essentialba.com]