Turning on the charm? Be very careful

            A sudden surge of charm can overwhelm the charmless. Before turning on the charm, regulate your internal Charmometer to the desired setting. Zero for, say, sports events with drunken pals who wouldn’t know charm from a cheese sandwich. Or 10 if you’re attending some fancy-shmancy dinner party. But be careful. I attended one such party with the setting at 10 and scared the hell out of everybody.

            Here are some suggested Charmometer settings for various situations:

            At a singles bar – Start with a setting of 5, to be adjusted upward if things go well. Opening with a 10 can suggest an unpleasant manic quality.

            Visiting the sick – Set at 7; buoyant but not giddy. No need to flaunt the fact that you’re in better shape than the hospitalized party. Break as many hospital rules as you can; it’ll amuse the sick person.

            Visiting a retirement home – Set at a full-blown 10. Let charm supersede Bingo. Be sure your genuine charm transcends the professional friendliness of staff.

            Appearing on Bill O’Reilly or Chris Matthews – Come on like a malignant muskrat, then, as the host is cowed into gibbering malice, calmly escalate to a civilized 7.

            At a formal fundraiser – Set the Charmometer at 4 and snarl your way through the evening. All behavior that takes place in a tuxedo is phony.

            At a business meeting – Set initially at 10. Then, when everyone assumes you’re all-charm-no-substance, revert to a 5. Keep them off guard.

            With kids – Start at 2 and trend upward if they behave.

            While arguing with spouse – Start at 9, then revert like quicksilver to 0, then back again. It’s schizophrenic but you’ll probably win the argument, albeit at the expense of your sanity.

            When you can’t think of someone’s mane – Give ’em a 10 with a gush of faux intimacy that makes names unimportant: “Wow! What a surprise! Look who’s here!”

            Anyone who looks downtrodden – A full dose of the old charm. It’s fun to cheer people up.

            So you get the idea. Incidentally if your Charmometer setting brings you nothing but alarmed looks, deactivate the thing and just wing it. One problem with turning on the charm is getting it turned off when you’re through with it.

10 clichés from which no good can possibly follow

            You’ve heard these before, usually as preface to an unwanted conversation. Here’s how to fight back:

            Cliché: We need to talk! Response: No we don’t!

            Cliché: There’s good news and bad news. Which do you want first? Response: First a double martini; second, the good news; third, a refill.

            Cliché: My pet did the cutest thing. Response: Sorry, my doctor says I can’t listen to pet stories. It’s a medical thing.

            Cliché: There’s something I need to get off my chest. Response: And I’d love to hear it but I have an appointment in Oklahoma City, Ok.

            Cliché: Viewers may find the following footage disturbing. Response: Then don’t show it, you condescending gargoyle.

            Cliché: May I offer you some constructive criticism? Response: No, but perhaps you’d care to wrestle?

            Cliché: Shall I be frank? Response: Absolutely NOT!

            Cliché: May I see your driver’s license? Response: May I see that strange hat you’re wearing? (More laughs are what cops need.)

            Cliché: I saw the best movie. It starts out…” Response: By all means tell me the entire story. Spare no detail. I have all day. Is there popcorn?

            Cliché: You know what drives me nuts? Response: With me it’s brain cell deterioration.

            And finally America’s single most devastating conversation preface: “I don’t like to spread gossip…” And of course gossip will follow. Just be as kind as you can.