How To Deal Sensitively With Women

It’s a matter of giving dismissive, smartaleck responses to their concerns. Women appreciate caustic wit above all else. Just try this sampler of male retorts:
Her Concern: It was a formal dinner and you ate like a pig.
Retort: I have never been a slave to etiquette.
••••
Her Concern: How dare you insult my friends!
Retort: Everybody needs a hobby.
••••
Her Concern: You’d rather watch sports than spend time with me!
Retort: Yeah, but you’re a really strong second.
••••
Her Concern: We’re going to counseling!
Retort: Ah, then you’ve met my bartender.
••••
Her Concern: The movies you like are too violent.
Retort: Actually I have an idea for a chick flick. Ladies share their feelings for 90 minutes then everything explodes and Bruce Willis rescues them.
••••
Her Concern: You are not playing golf; we’re going to the gallery opening.
Retort: (having seen an inclement weather forecast) As you wish my dear.
••••
Her Concern: You are driving recklessly.
Retort: I prefer to think of it as driving wrecklessly.
••••
Her Concern: Are you crazy?
Retort: No, I don’t think so. Oh look, there goes Woodrow Wilson.
••••
Her Concern: Do you ever stop to think what’s the meaning of life?
Retort: I have a theory but I’m keeping it to myself in case it’s wrong.
••••
Her Concern: You can just wipe that smirk off your face, Mr. Smartypants.
Retort: Grover P. Smartypants at your service.
••••
These retorts are not half as clever as they seem. But if your goal is to return tedium to the relationship, just go around saying, “Have a nice day!” The thing is, being a smartaleck actually does contribute to a nice day. At least it always does for me.
[For more of the same, visit Alan’s blog, essentialba.com]

How to win arguments

            I don’t endorse these techniques. Arguments should be won on merit, not via some cheap conversational ploy. On the other hand, if you appreciate cheap ploys, here are some tricks you can use to win arguments:

            1. Declare victory and leave the room. It resolves nothing, providing only a momentary one-up. Shallow but effective.

            2. Throw a few Latin phrases into the discourse. Example: Ergo ipso facto persona non grata. Rough translation: Get outta here. Your opponent will be thrown off balance just long enough for you to marshal a real argument. It’s a slimy ploy but we’re not dealing with ethics here.

            3. Render your opponent’s point of view absurd. No matter how salient your opponent’s point, respond by quacking like a duck. Warning: You render yourself vulnerable to a charge of trivialization. Quacking is really not much more than a smokescreen.

            4. Patronize your opponent. Feign agreement: “You’re absolutely right. Everything you say is true.” Then yawn with elaborate ennui, like one of those smug characters in a Noel Howard play, as if to say ‘Arguing with you is not worth the trouble.’ Not widely used; you may get away with it.

            5. Engage in a shouting match. Can manifest itself in violence. The upside is that you can shout pretty much whatever you want since logic is not a factor.

            6. Be a pacifist. Announcing “I’m not looking for a fight” gives you the moral high ground, from which position you can launch a real donnybrook.

            7. Accuse your opponent of filibustering. Then take the floor and deliver a 60-minute diatribe on the evils of filibustering.

            8. Don’t argue about religion. If someone says, “My religion involves snake handling,” don’t ask, “Isn’t that dangerous?” Of course it is. That’s probably the point.

            9. Ask an “objective” third party to settle the argument. Then invite one of your drinking buddies to be the objective third party. This is a little transparent and probably won’t work.

            10. Be honest and forthright, even if it means losing the argument. There are worse things than losing an argument, such as winning by being a mindlessly combative street fighter. Again, I do not endorse the above techniques. I may use one of them occasionally, but only in intellectual desperation.

            And of course there’s the ultimate strong-arm tactic: If you can’t win the argument on merit, attack the personality of your opponent. The thing is, even if you win, you feel lousy afterward.

            There is such a thing as a principled argument from which both parties emerge enhanced. I’ve had a few of those, and they’re rare and sometimes almost noble.

Etiquette for people who rarely consult etiquette books

            What if you’re at a formal dinner party and a fight breaks out among the guests?

            I normally side with the host, who probably has control of the security arrangements.

            What if you’re served a seafood course in which the seafood isn’t completely dead?

            First establish which fork to use because you’ll need some kind of weapon in case the thing comes after you. Then bellow heartily, “I’m the Gorton fisherman and I’m off for Nantucket,” and make for an exit.

            If you spill wine on your hostess’s expensive gown, what response is mandated?

            Find a way to check the label on the gown to ascertain whether it’s a knock-off. This can be awkward, but since one has already made a blithering idiot of oneself, what’s to lose?

            Is chicken properly eaten with the fingers?

            Chicken is normally eaten with the mouth.

            If the hostess flirts with you in full view of her husband, how do you respond?

            Don’t be manipulated. The hostess is using you to make her husband jealous. Try diverting attention by launching a donnybrook between your wife and the hostess. But be subtle. Do not say something like, “Two out of three falls. Winner take all.” You’ll want to retain the moral high ground, assuming there is any.

            If you receive a gift you don’t want – say a snapping turtle – is it acceptable to return the gift?

            Yes, if you want to be conventional about it. But why not up the ante? Your accompanying note could read, “Thanks for the turtle, but perhaps this Burmese python will say it better than any words of mine.”

            At the company picnic, you’re unexpectedly summoned by your boss to say a few words. You’ve just imbibed a quart of bourbon-laced lemonade. What do you do?

            Run for the nearest body of water, dive in and swim for the opposite shore. Later when asked why, announce that it was your tribute to Johnny Weissmuller who was the only really credible Tarzan. Nobody will buy this, but it’s probably better than any available alternative.

            After being someone’s houseguest, is it polite to send a thank-you note?

            Yes, absolutely. Reminds me of the time I accidentally put a Viagra order form in with the note. Embarrassing, although at 50 pills for $100, the price was right.

            Recently I attended a funeral on a very hot day and decided to wear Bermuda shorts. Is this attire acceptable?

            Maybe in Bermuda, but elsewhere it is perhaps as acceptable as a fungus sandwich.

            Speaking of funerals, what’s the best tone to strike if you’re asked to give the eulogy?

            The last time I spoke at a funeral I decided to eschew a boring eulogy in favor of doing 10 minutes of stand-up comedy. This was not well received, especially by the family of the deceased who tried to have me hauled away from the rostrum, which was unnecessary, as I’d have gone voluntarily if they’d been nicer about it.

Meet Goofy Thunderton!

Goofy Thunderton sees his bathroom not as a functional adjunct so much as a spiritual retreat center.
“Is he in there now?” Fawn Underwood inquired during the Tour of Homes.
Del Thunderton nodded resolutely and banged the bathroom door with wifely chagrin. “Goofy, I know you’re in there. Come out. We have guests.”
From behind the door: “The Tour of Homes?”
“That’s right. They’re all here.”
“I don’t like the Tour of Homes. I like it in here.”
Goofy’s annoyance at the Tour dates from 1999 when the pilgrimage found him three martinis to the wind. Remarks were made, none of which Goofy forgot.
Del, having none of it, drummed the door. “Fawn Underwood wants to see inside.”
Fawn Underwood stood by, tapping her foot.
“I’ll describe it to her,” called Goofy. “It’s charming. Wood paneling. Books. A sort of soigné understatement. You’d love it, Fawn.”
Fawn Underwood was livid. “Open that door, you Cro-Magnon. If you didn’t want us, you shouldn’t have signed up for the Tour! .... Goofy. Do you hear me?”
“Yes, I hear you. Bit of a crisis in here. Dropped an olive in the bidet.”
Others had gathered outside the bathroom door. “He’s got a pitcher of martinis in there,” remarked Roy Underwood.
Del tried her sweet, plaintive voice, “’Goofeeee, you’re embarrassing meeee. Come out an say hello.”
“I’ll say it from here. Hello everyone. This is Sylvester Thunderton, your host. I wish all of you could be in here with me. This is my world, so to speak. However, I know you have other homes to infest.”
Shrugged Roy Underwood, “You know what they say: A  man’s home is his castle.”
“More like his bunker,” sniffed Fawn Underwood, who solicitously patted Del’s arm. “I know how embarrassed you must be.”
Smiling primly, Del inserted a key into the lock and pushed the door. Fawn’s eyes lit up. “Ready or not Goofy,” she smirked. As the door cracked, Fawn wedged a leg inside. Goofy pushed back.
“Fawn, get your leg out,” warned Roy, tugging his wife.
“Yeah, it’s turning blue,” agreed Goofy. Fawn extracted her leg with an “ungh” and hobbled away, the others following, showering Fawn and Del with solicitude.
From inside the bathroom: “Leaving so soon? Loved having you. Come again.”

Want to rewrite history? Go ahead!

Certain classic American utterances could frankly use some punching up. I’ve appointed myself history’s public relations guy, with the following results. We know what they really said; here’s what they might have said:
Washington’s farewell to his troops: “And may this day herald the end of those #*@^ powdered wigs. I hate those things.”
Lindbergh in Paris: “When they make a movie, could Jimmy Stewart play me? Course he’d have to dye his hair.” (Note: that casting did occur for the movie Spirit of St. Louis with Mr. Stewart a truly inauthentic blonde.)
Neil Armstrong on the moon: “They wrote something for me to say, but frankly I hate scripted historic utterances. Actually I’m just up here to, you know, fool around. There’s really not much to do. It’s not like you can order a pizza.”
Rosa Parks in Montgomery: “Hell no, I’m not moving to the back. It’s full of exhaust fumes.”
Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman) in Casablanca: “Play it Sam. Play the German National Anthem.”
William Faulkner accepting the Nobel Prize in Oslo: “And to those geezers and codgers sitting around the square in Oxford saying I’d never amount to anything…. nyah nyah nyah.”
General Anthony McAuliffe at Bastogne: “Tell the Germans I said nuts and then did an impromptu samba around headquarters. By the way, Georgie Patton is coming, right?”
Bert Parks reflecting on the Miss America Pageant: “Face it, it hasn’t been the same since I left. It was never about the girls.”
General Eisenhower on D-Day: “Yesterday, June 5, 1944, one of the reporters asked me, ‘Hey Ike, anything on for tomorrow?’ I told him yeah, right Pal, we’re invading Europe. He told me his readers demanded a serious answer.”
Stephen A. Douglas in Illinois: “So anyway, Abe wants to go around the state in a series of debates. Is he out of his rail-splitting mind? I’ll cream him.” (Note: Douglas did win the Senate seat, but the debates were nevertheless Lincoln’s ticket to the 1860 presidential nomination.)
General Douglas MacArthur upon his return to the Philippines: “Ok I’m back. Got my pants legs all wet walking ashore. Could one of you guys get me some dry socks?”
Mahatma Gandhi during his fasting period: “I don’t want to obsess over this thing. Maybe just a club sandwich and some iced tea.”

This column will literally knock you out

Okay, so it won’t literally knock anyone out; only figuratively. Thus is the adverb ‘literally’ misapplied.
Take Sen. Claire McCaskill of Missouri who spoke as follows on MSNBC: “Nine or ten years ago a dead frog could get credit. Literally.”
One certainly sees her point about the credit market, as vivified by the adverb. So, if a dead frog could literally get credit, the scenario might have gone something like this:
The loan officer was aghast. “What do you mean he wants credit?”
“A home loan,” explained the visitor.
“But… he’s a frog.”
“I’m speaking for him.”
“But he’s dead.”
“Yeah, he croaked.”
“What’s his occupation?”
“Actually he avoids all gigs. Just hangs around his pad.”
The loan officer rolled his eyes. “Is this an honest portrayal?”
“Yes. Warts and all.”
“Very impressive. Would $50,000 at 4 percent be satisfactory?”
•••••
A few more everyday uses of ‘literally:’
“He literally hit the ceiling!” (Yep, climbed up a ladder and punched the plaster.)
“She literally blew her top.” (What a mess; brains everywhere.)
“I literally could have strangled him.” One hopes this is a figurative usage but who knows? Can’t you hear Judge Judy from the bench? “You literally strangled him? Why’s he still alive?”
“Okay, not literally.”
“You’re free to go but watch those syntax.”
Judge Judy is to jurisprudence what Ronald McDonald is to cuisine. That woman’s voice literally gives me the willies.

How to annoy your friends with geography

How to annoy your friends with geography

            You’ll want to one-up your pals with this smug collection of global oddities. They’re also great for winning bar bets in the better bars:

            Fact: If you boarded an airplane at Miami, Fl., and flew 1,200 miles due south, you’d be over the Pacific Coast.

            Explanation: Check it on a globe. You’d pass over the Isthmus of Panama. Next landfall: Antarctica.

•••••

            Fact: The capital city of an inland U.S. state lies further west than Los Angeles.

            Explanation: It’s Carson City, Nv.

•••••

            Fact: The rain in Spain does not fall mainly in the plain.

            Explanation: This is what happens when songwriters practice meteorology. Spain’s rainiest area is its northern Atlantic coast, the aptly named Costa Verde.

•••••

            Fact: New York is the wildest state east of the Mississippi.

            Explanation: New York State contains vast tracts of wilderness acreage, especially in the Adirondack region.

•••••

            Fact: Adolph Hitler owned 9,000 acres of land in the American west.

            Explanation: It was pastureland in the State of Colorado.

•••••

            Fact: Charles Lindbergh was not the first man to fly the Atlantic.

            Explanation: A number of others – mostly military men – did it prior to Lindbergh’s 1927 crossing. Lindy was the first to fly the Atlantic solo.

•••••

            Fact: One of North America’s best-known natural phenomena is the result of a lake 570 feet above sea level emptying into another lake 245 feet above sea level.

            Explanation: Thus producing Niagara Falls. (The Niagara River connects the two lakes.)

•••••

            Fact: The easternmost, westernmost and northernmost points in the U.S. are all found in the same state.

            Explanation: The state is Alaska, easternmost in that the tip of its Aleutian chain extends across the line that separates east from west.

•••••

            Fact: One of the contiguous 48 states has approximately one-third of its land area separated by water from the other two-thirds.

            Explanation: The state is Michigan. The water gap between the upper and lower peninsulas is bridged at the Straits of Mackinac.

•••••

            Fact: The earth is not round.

            Explanation: The earth is a spheroid rather than a perfect sphere. It flattens slightly at both poles and bulges slightly at the equator. (Note: This is a specious point, the recitation of which will not win you any friends.)

•••••

            Fact: The world’s largest island was given its name as part of a real estate con job.

            Explanation: The Danish government gave Greenland its tempting but inaccurate name in order to attract settlers.

•••••

            Fact: The northernmost of the 48 adjacent states is not Maine.

            Explanation: It’s Minnesota, whose northernmost point is a detached bit of land northwest of Lake of the Woods.

•••••

            Fact: In 1926, it was possible to cross the Atlantic Ocean using scheduled, non-surface, commercial transportation.

            Explanation: By dirigible. Though the Hindenburg disaster quashed airship travel, veterans of successful trips deemed them pleasant and relaxing.

•••••

            Thanks for reading with us today. Please return your tray tables to their original upright position. This would probably entail ripping them out and taking them back to the factory, but never mind that.

 See part 2 in the March 1, 2012 Pickens Progress.